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A Lot Like Christmas/Transcript
Transcript Opening Scene Plot Segment 1 The Possum Lodge Word Game WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game! Tonight's winner receives {shows off coupon reading "150 BOTOX INJECTIONS" with a plunger to the right of "INJECTIONS" and an old man below the plunger} this coupon for 150 botox injections! This Christmas, kiss your wrinkles goodbye!...if you can still use your lips. {puts coupon down on table} Okay, cover your ears, Dalton. {picks word sign up} Red, you got 30 seconds to get Dalton Humphrey... {Winston turns the sign around, which reads "Yule".} WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: ...to say this word... "Yule". "Yule". RED GREEN: All right, Winston. WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {sets sign down on table} And, go! RED GREEN: Okay, Dalton, this is an old-fashioned word for Christmas. DALTON HUMPHREY: Humbug. RED GREEN: Okay, think about this: something-tide. DALTON HUMPHREY: Lemon fresh? RED GREEN: Okay, okay. Remember that bald guy who was in the movies, who was a really great actor? DALTON HUMPHREY: Elmer Fudd. RED GREEN: Okay, this is a kind of log that people use at Christmas. DALTON HUMPHREY: Catalog? RED GREEN: No, no, no, this is something people burn. DALTON HUMPHREY: Uh, money. WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You guys are almost out of time. RED GREEN: Why do you have such a negative attitude towards the festive season, Dalton? DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, gee, you should come by my house Christmas morning. Then yule see. RED GREEN: There you go! {rings the bell rapidly while Winston hands coupon to Dalton} If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying Handyman Corner Ranger Gord on Christmas Plot Segment 2 Adventures Red's Handyman Tips The Experts {The camera slowly zooms in on Harold.} HAROLD GREEN: This is the portion of the show where we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say: {Harold is revealed to be sitting on a chair, with a table in front of it. Next to his chair, Red and Hap are sitting on a car-themed couch.} AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW! HAROLD GREEN: Ha, that's true, eh? {picks up a letter} Okay, today's letter goes as follows: {reads letter} "Dear Experts:" La la la. "I am nine years old and all my friends say that Santa Claus does not exist. Is this true, or does he actually exist?" RED GREEN: Oh, boy, that's a tough one. I don't know if I've ever seen a real Santa Claus. I mean, a fat, obese guy with a white beard pretty much describes every Lodge member. HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, Santa's not really obese, Red. He's just overweight. They eat a lot of blubber up there at the North Pole, you know. And it's not just loaded with unsaturated fat, it is unsaturated fat. HAROLD GREEN: Oh, you've actually met Santa Claus, Mr. Shaughnessy? HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, no, to say I've met him would be pushing it. RED GREEN: And when Hap starts pushing it, we end up shoving it. HAROLD GREEN: This viewer's asked a specific question and if we can answer it, we should. HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, uh, you know, I don't like to exaggerate, but my run-in with Santa saved the world from nuclear annihilation. RED GREEN: {to Harold} You asked for this. HAP SHAUGHNESSY: It was Christmas Eve 1963. We were holding at our fail-safe points when word came from the Pentagon that an unidentified aircraft was approaching from the north. They figured it was the leading edge of a massive Russian attack, and we proceeded towards our targets inside the Soviet Union while NORAD got ready to shoot the airplane down. Well, when we opened the bomb-ay doors, we could see that, actually, it was Santa in his sleigh. RED GREEN: Any alcohol served on that flight, Hap? HAP SHAUGHNESSY: You know, Harold, a lot of this stuff is classified information. I may have said too much already. RED GREEN: Oh, for sure. HAROLD GREEN: Okay, well, um, I would say to this viewer that, um, sometimes, you just have to believe, even though that may be difficult, and I'll tell you this much, I believe in Santa Claus. HAP SHAUGHNESSY: I believe in Santa. RED GREEN: I believe in Santa more than I believe in Hap. Plot Segment 3 WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, everybody has their own special things that make it christmas. For some it's the spirit of giving and sharing a special time with loved ones. For me it's the tinsel. And I'll tell you something, the tinsel manufacturers are aware of guys like me. They make us pay through the nose. Well, that doesn't strike me as a very christmasy attitude. So I've come up with a way to shaft those guys big time. Borrow a paper shredder from work. You know, I find the christmas party is a great time to sneak stuff out the back door -- you know, office supplies or computers or whatever. Hey, it's christmas, huh? You know what they say, the lord helps those who help themselves. But we're not gonna shred paper, oh, no! We're going to shred a bunch of these foil potato chip bags. Make sure they're completely empty first, but if you're like me, and I'm pretty sure you are, that shouldn't be a problem. All right, first just turn on your paper shredder, and it's beginning to look a lot like christmas. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Thank you. I appreciate that. That's great. You know what... I feel the same way myself. We're all pretty excited here at the lodge too, because today is our santa claus parade, and men just love being in parades. You know, you get to drive a weird vehicle; you're the centre of attention; and you never have to stop and ask for directions. You wanted to see me, red? [ applause ] yeah, we got the sleigh all ready to go. Now we just need you to rustle up some reindeer to pull it. So how many do you think you're going to need? Well, who gets to be santa this year? Moose thompson. Oh, moose is a pretty wide load. Yeah, we'll need about 20 reindeer. Yeah, we're going to have hide moose from the reindeer, because, man, they're, like, skittish, you know. Well, you would know, ed. Okay, I'll be back in an hour with the reindeer. Oh, and I'll need about 100 guys to help me get 'em out of the back of the truck. A hundred guys? That's a little overkill, isn't it? Red, in the animal control business, there is no such thing as overkill! [ cheers and applause ] what do you want? Well, I heard you wanted to see me. No, I didn't. Never said that. No? Oh. I just thought I could help with the planning of the parade or something. You know what? We got it covered. Oh. We're fine. Oh, good. Good. Good. Yep, we're good. So what sort of things are santa throwing out to the kids? Well, his hand. He's gonna wave. No, it's a parade! Santa has to toss treats or something out to the kids. Well, okay, we'll dig up some old fishing lures. No, I don't think so, no! Well, okay, you know what? Go see dalton. Maybe he's got something in his store he could give you to throw to the kids. Mr. Humphrey? I sure hope he's in the christmas spirit. Oh, sure he will be. Just make sure you tell him it's a tax write-off. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] tonight's winner receives this coupon for 150 botox injections. This christmas kiss your wrinkles good-bye -- if you can still use your lips. Okay, cover your ears, dalton. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton humphrey to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Okay, dalton, this is an old-fashioned word for christmas. Humbug. Okay, think about this... Something tide. Lemon fresh? Okay, okay, remember that bald guy who was in the movies? He was a really great actor. Elmer fudd. Okay, this is a kind of log that people use at christmas. Catalogue? No, this is something people burn. Uh, money. You guys are almost out of time. Why do you have such a negative attitude toward the festive season, dalton? Well, gee, you should come by my house christmas morning. Then you'll see. There you go! [ ♪ ] this is the repair shop part of the show we call, if it ain't broke, you're not trying. And joining me tonight is explosives enthusiast edgar montrose. What have you got for us, edgar? Only one time with a pitchfork, red. No, what have you got for the repair shop? Oh, nothing to repair. No, I'm just looking for some advice on which one of these gifts I should give my eight-year-old nephew. Well, the stuffed animal. On the one hand I could give him this boring stuffed toy. Yeah, that's the one, the stuffed animal. Or I could give him this customized edgar k. B. Montrose jack-in-the-box. Any explosives involved in there, edgar? Hopefully. And what kind of a message is that saying to the kids out there? Well, it teaches them that life is full of surprises, that you just can't make your problems go away. But you can make abandoned vehicles go away! No, edgar, go with the stuffed animal. Oh, all right, I'll give him the stuffed animal. But let me show you the jack-in-the-box. (hesitates) yeah, all right. You like surprises, red? Not since that time I changed a diaper, no. [ music box playing ] I love this. [ music continues ] no! No! No! [ applause ] merry christmas, red. Oh, man. [ playing badly ] you know, everybody likes music around christmas, especially if it comes from something quaint, like this old pipe organ. Kind of takes you back to the olden days when your ancestors would maybe sing carols sitting around a cold fire, freezing their butts off. But one thing that hasn't changed over the years is the tiresome job of handing out the christmas presents. So today on handyman corner I'm going to combine those two functions into a kind of a yuletide gift-dispensing pipe organ thing, because any time you can build a device that does two jobs at once there's a chance you won't have to do anything. Now, the only condition you need is that everything has to be wrapped in a cylindrical shape. You know, like this wine bottle or a sleeve of tennis balls or even a rolling pin. And even if it's not the right shape, as long as it will fit inside, say, one of these shipping tubes, it's fine. Now you just wrap everything up good and snug. Smooth down the outside of her there. Make sure they're airtight, kind of like your sleeping bag on mexican night. Okay, now, the pipe organ runs on air, so you pump on the pedals and the air goes through the pipes. And that's plenty of air for making music, but for our purposes, we're going to need something with a little more oomph. So I've replaced the pedals with this high-volume industrial air compressor. Okay, I'm not too sure how much pressure I need, so I'm just gonna open her up full. Then I'll just back it off if something breaks. Now all we have to do is match our various sized gifts with our various sized pipes. Then when you press down on a key, see, the compressor will play a note and fire the gift out to the recipient. [ hits note ] [ glass breaking ] okay, uh, you might wanna give them a baseball glove or a pillow case to catch it in. And make sure grandpa's awake, or he won't be. And now, of course, you're going to be able to get the music and the gift giving over as quickly as possible. And isn't that what christmas is all about? So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you hand -- well, by the way, make sure you pick a piece of music that hits all the right notes. Here we are: It's beginning to look a lot like christmas. [ knuckles cracking ] [ playing haltingly ] [ applause ] [ ♪ ] oh, hi there, boys and girls. You know, I hope they're still calling you that, because I've seen some of your pictures in those teen magazines, and -- well, I'm just not sure anymore. [ whistle ] wow! Anyway, at this joyous time of year, I'd like you to start thinking about those who are less fortunate than yourselves... Me. While you're at home all snuggled in your bed, waiting for santa to come down the chimney, I'm up here in my fire watch tower making sure there are no forest fires. Well, boys and girls, it's 40° below zero. I'd kill for a freakin' forest fire. But, oh, no. And there you are at home all snugly and warm and cozy singing christmas carols and eating figgy pudding. Not me. I have very little pudding and absolutely no figgy. On christmas morning you'll wake up to gifts underneath the tree. Oh, sure, the animals leave gifts for me underneath the trees. But they're very, very seldom wrapped, and they're never the right size. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for your pity. I'm just kidding. I am looking for your pity. And I'll tel you why... Because every once in a while, you have to stop thinking about yourselves and realise that there are people out there that care about you, that are doing their level best to take care of you. So have a wonderful holiday season, but remember: It's not about you. It's about me. Merry christmas. ♪ o'er the hills we go ♪ ( voice cracking ) ♪ laughing all the way ♪ I was just over at moose thompson's house, helping him get into his santa outfit. By golly, he is a large man. You know, it's a stretchy material, so we could actually get it on over his butt, but we're going to have to grease the inside of the sleigh, or he'll have to stand for the whole parade. Uncle red! Would you tell mr. Humphrey that his offering is no good? You want me to give you something free so that santa can toss treats to the kids, and red, there is a limit to what I can do. Red: And what is that limit, dalton? Seven cases of prunes. Yeah, but they're pitted prunes, so no one's gonna lose an eye or anything. Well, don't you have little airplanes or stuffed toys to toss out to the kids? Well, yes, I do. I sell them. That's how I support myself. And that's how I'm able to give things away for free, like seven cases of prunes. Of course, if you don't want them... No, no, no, we'll take 'em. All right, I'll leave 'em beside the shed. Good. Prunes? Get over it, harold, all right? I got some bad news, red. I could only get four reindeer. Well, no, that's fine. That'll get the job done. Four is fine. Not with moose thompson in the sleigh. In fact, I won't allow it. No, no, there's nothing meaner than reindeer with a hernia. Well, what do we do now, guys? Well, obviously we have to find somebody smaller than moose thompson but who still looks like santa claus. [ laughter ] red (voice over): Now, one of the parts of our santa claus parade float was going to be our frosty the snowman display. So we are keeping it in the arena, we didn't have a lot of snow. Walter's not good on ice. That's the problem with -- oh, and he -- but he seems to like to take winston with him wherever he goes. So, uh, winston does not have the sense of humour that he really needs. This is going to take a while. All we're trying to do is get frosty -- no, no, no. Well, great. Okay. So now we got a headless frosty which means we need some fresh snow. So they got the zamboni there. I know these things, what they do is they scrape the ice, and all the snow goes up into a hopper, and I figured we could use that as our snow supply, and then we could make ourselves a new head for frosty on there. Grab a handful of snow. We're going to make a new head for frosty. C'mon get some snow there. Watch yourself there, walter. Walter's a little shaky. But winston's still carrying the grudge on walter. Of course -- that's not so good. Winston finds that very funny, and I'm thinking you know, try a little of your own -- there we go. I feel so much better, and walter's enjoying that. All you have to do with walter is threaten him and down he goes. But the broom flies through the air, and wouldn't you know it, hits the controls on the zamboni, and she starts heading towards us. At this point it's every man for himself. Walter's kind of flailing away on the ice. Oh, boy, this is not -- oh, boy. Oh, man. Have a nice christmas, walter. Now she grinds to halt, and I don't know where he is in this. First thing we should do is just open her up and see in -- oh, he's fine. So we get walter out of there and meanwhile winston is back with the snow, and he's made himself a brand new head and put frosty right back the way he should be. But winston figured that to protect frosty, apparently if you put a little coating of water, it'll freeze it. Put a nice coating on it and it won't be susceptible to damages. So he's just gonna do that. And I'm saying it's not as smart as it looks, winston. I believe they use the hot water in those zambonis, and, to me, hot water and snow, it's not really a good -- no, no, he knows. He's a professional. He's good with a hose. He knows what he's -- now the end comes off. He's got hot water going everywhere. And I got her turned off, but there's frosty and -- luckily I had a sign handy that was just perfect for the occasion. And it was a great day. You okay? Oh, man. [ applause ] [ ♪ ] we all know that christmas is right around the corner, which is a time for gifts and joy and warm family moments. And they also expect you to decorate your house with lights and mistletoe and wreaths. Well, here's a quick easy way to do what you got to do and still save a few bucks. Get yourself all the old bows that your wife has saved over the years. And then sprinkle them into a window box. My wife's old beaus are sprinkled all over the county. And in the second box you want to pour down a thin layer of liquid glue. Got to be something with a fair amount of adhesive power to it. [ grunting ] this seems perfect. [ glass breaking ] guess I might as well use all of this. I'm going to have a real problem getting the top back on there. Okay. Now you take a spare tire -- everybody has a spare tire this time of year, and you roll that through your glue bath, eh? Don't worry if it's an old tire because you want to pick up as much glue as you can, and the less tread the better. Bald is beautiful. Now you just throw your glued up tire through your box of bows. You know, when you think about it, you're running over your wife's old beaus. That's gotta be fun, huh? Whoever thought I'd get two jokes out of that? Maybe I didn't. [ applause ] there you go. Got ourselves a pretty handsome christmas wreath. I got an idea. Have yourself a murray chrysler and a hyundai new year. [ applause ] this is the portion of the show where we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know. That's true, eh? Okay, today's letter goes as follows... "dear experts --" la la la. "I am nine years old, "and all my friends say that santa claus does not exist. "is this true or does he actually exist?" oh, boy, that's a tough one. I don't know if I've ever seen the real santa claus. I mean, a jolly, obese guy with a white beard pretty much describes every lodge member. Well, santa's not really obese, red. He's just overweight. They eat a lot of blubber up there at the north pole, and it's not just loaded with unsaturated fat, it is unsaturated fat. You've actually met santa claus, mr. Shaughnessy? Well, no, to say I've met him would be pushing it. And when hap starts pushing it, we end up shovelling it. This viewer has asked a specific question, and if we can answer it, we should. Well, harold, you know I don't like to exaggerate, but my run-in with santa saved the world from nuclear annihilation. You asked for this. It was christmas eve, 1963. We were holding at our fail-safe points when word came from the pentagon that an unidentified aircraft was approaching from the north. They figured it was the leading edge of a massive russian attack, and we proceeded towards our targets inside the soviet union, while n.O.R.A.D. Got ready to shoot their plane down. Well, when we opened our bomb bay doors we could see that it was actually santa in his sleigh. Any alcohol served on that flight? You know, harold, a lot of this stuff is classified information. I may have said too much already. Oh, for sure. Okay, well, um, I would say to this viewer that, um, sometimes you just have to believe, even though that may be difficult. But I'll tell you this much, I believe it santa clause. I believe in santa. I believe in santa more than I believe in hap. [ applause ] boy, the snow is really coming down out there. Now, we're having the santa clause parade right after the lodge meeting. I'm hoping the reindeer can find there way out there through that blizzard. You know, I think it's a good thing you being santa. Maybe it'll rub off. You know, you might be right. I'm already thinking of jamming something down your stocking. Red! Red! We got a serious problem! What? Did you see a mouse of something? No! The reindeer ate all the prunes. Well, ed! Ed! What are you going to do? Move my car! That was seven cases of prunes. There's no way I'm standing in a sleigh behind them. Maybe you could stand in the back of the possum van. We'll open the side door, and you could still wave at the kids. Yeah. Okay. But I need a chauffeur. Oh, right. Who are we gonna get? Well, harold, if you're so doggone bright, won't you drive my van tonight? ♪ and I'll go down in history ♪ [ possum squealing ] meeting time, santa. Yeah, you go ahead, rudolph. I'll be right down. Good luck with that nose. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I wonder if you could do me a favour, clean out the fireplace. I'm dressed as santa, harold's driving the van, pretty good chance I'm going to end up on the roof somewhere. To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself, harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, have yourself a great christmas, and keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] c'mon, you guys. Let's go. Everybody sit down. Meeting's coming to order. Sit down, please. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if a have to, I guess. Okay, men, listen. We've got a pretty good blizzard goin' on out there. And the reindeer have eaten a fair whack of prunes. So you really want to be careful there's lots of things to slip on. Oh, yeah, and merry christmas, guys. C'mon, harold. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com